Skip to main content

Grief! Losing your love!

Blogging - don't know if I'm a good writer or not, but going to not bother about that. Just going to let my emotions flow freely. So here goes:

In July 2016 unexpectedly and suddenly without any warning, my darling, my husband of 15 years, my best friend, mentor, love, my Sonu left me alone in this world. Just like that my whole world collapsed right in front of my eyes. Saw him go in front of me without any warning, in 10 minutes - massive heart attack and cardiac arrest - gone in the wind! Cant forget that look we exchanged in those few minutes. I couldn't say - I love you Chao! I love you very much and you are my whole world. Yeah I've said it to him so many times and that gives me some strength that he went from this world knowing that he was loved a lot. I hope he felt like that cause he was  (correction) he is my entire world. Nothing else mattered to us. We lived in our own small world filled with love, happiness, friendship and nothing bothered us. We didn't miss not having any luxury in our life, no riches cause we had each other. We had the luxury of being with each other all the time and spending every moment in love. I feel blessed that we could do that every day of our lives. We chose to live in Lonavla - in greenery with clean air and a better life. It was better in quality and we lived a wholesome experience. It didn't last long - only 14 months but I'm happy that we lived in OUR HOME for that time filled with love and that comfort is unbeatable. Cant feel that anywhere else!

Now its 8 months since he went and I feel life is at a standstill. Shifted again in a rented flat - its not my home and it will never be - not without my Chao who's never coming back. How I long to hug him one last time - say I love you and say - its not ok that you leave me and go like this. I don't know how to live without you because every living moment I have spent with you in the last 15 years. I didn't know that loneliness could reach a whole new level. What is loneliness? A state of mind - yeah intellectuals will say that - its easy to say, but for me its my whole life - lost and lonely! No aim no direction, no love, no one who will take care of me, hold my hand, pick me up when I fall. No partner, no nothing! Crying comes very easily to me and I cry every day. Not a single day has gone when I haven't for him! 

People say - he's with you! Where? How do they say that? Do they understand what they are saying? He's not with me and will never be till I live. He's not coming back. We burnt his body and dispersed his ashes. I couldn't even keep a small part of him with me. He's gone where his soul needs to go - his journey continues. Im just praying every day so his soul can get peace and he can be saved from birth and death. Maybe Satguru will be kind to forgive him and guide him to the right path to achieve spirituality. As a human being thats all I can do. Pray for his soul and his wellbeing. 

Trying to search for my goal in life! Now I have nothing else to lose in life! The most precious has been taken from me and I have to live like this all my life. Alone! My grief is mine, my pain is mine, no one else cares, no one else can understand. Each day passes and I feel good - another day is gone. Do I want to die or live - I don't know. What will death give me? Its not that I shall unite with him. His karma has taken him where I can't say. My karma will take me to my destiny. Such is the game of life. It continues and we are toys in its hand. Yes I'm bitter and I hate life right now! But forgive me because I'm lonely. Forgive me because I feel helpless. Forgive me because life has always been hard. But why blame life - its Karma and as they say - Karma is a bitch! 

Labels:
Location: Mumbai, Maharashtra, India

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Yoga - Why is it a Way of Life?

In my short life (don't know if I should call it short or long), I have learnt many lessons just as each one of us does. When we are born we do things as our parents teach us. Then school takes over. We follow the advice of our teachers. Study, read, play. Brick by brick we build our lives and become what we are. Then adolescence and education followed by college and then the never stopping grind of jobs. Life goes on! I was brought up much the same way just like anyone else. But my foundation was very very strong. I can say that today cause I follow the same values that I was taught growing up. They have not only shaped me to be the person I am but have helped me overcome problems all my life. One of them is YOGA! We used to live in Lokhandwala Complex Andheri and I was introduced to yoga very early as some classes were started in the garden and many people started visiting the garden early morning for these yoga sessions. I was 16 then and I just loved to practice yo...
Post a Comment
Read more

Nirbhaya!

Got up this morning with this uneasiness! It was around, 4:00AM, when I was woken up by a, I believe was a car horn blaring non-stop (as if someone kept they hand on the car horn and didn't let go). It lasted till about a little past 5:00AM. Tried to sleep for some time and then again woke up. Picked up today's newspaper - filled with rage and anguish of the public about Nirbhaya's death. I didnt understand what to feel - shame, anger, pity - for these people who today have all come together as a girl was brutally raped and then died! What had happened when so many other cases of molesting, rape, incest, domestic violence, female infanticide came up and nobody did a thing? I laughed at this thought that all this outrage is in the moment - for 1-2 days or maybe a week at best. After that we all go back to our regular lives, gossip about this over a cup of tea, show pity for the family, show anger against the men who committed this heinous crime and then comfortably forget a...
Post a Comment
Read more